Wrestlicious TakeDown Episode 3: I. Cannot. Watch. This.

Okay, so I finally decided to give the little upstart wrestling promotion, Wrestlicious, a chance. This project, started by lottery winner Jon Vargas, is an all women's promotion with a less violent outlook than the ChickFight tournament, less serious than SHIMMER Women Athletes and less, well, frankly insane (and awesome!) than Women Superstars Uncensored. Wrestlicious is a light hearted mixture of wrestling and sketch comedy. Now, after hearing this, I go in already a little bit nervous, but it could be cute and the episode I'm watching features Daffney, so I figure, what the hell, right? It can't actually be physically painful to watch, right?

I was wrong.

After the first couple of sketches (involving some woman named Leyla Milani, Jimmy Hart, of all people, and Madison Rayne), I decided to not totally ignore the building pain in my head and fast forward to the main event, a tag team match between Ghouls Gone Wild and Lacey von Erich and Madison Rayne. I mean, it's got Daffney in it, playing the role of 'Draculetta.' I mean, I've loved Daffney since she was bouncing around, giggling and screaming on WCW. The girl can act, and she brings a weird dignity to the silliest roles, like Shark Girl and a fake Sarah Palin. Heck, the original Daffney character was pretty ludicrous (anyone marking for David Flair is), and she has only recently developed the kind of complex, multifacted character you can really sink your teeth into (and boy howdy has she) in TNA. But, here nor there, this chick can make hopping up and down and chanting, 'Santa's gonna knock you out!' somewhat compelling, so I figure that this match can't be too bad.

I was wrong.

Not even the astoundingly awesome Daffney, who plays Draculetta to the absolute hilt (and the pretty cool Madison Rayne and the... well, she's trying, Lacey von Erich), can salvage this match. It's a mistimed disaster and poor Daffney/Draculetta--who is usually very athletic, for a pure brawler--seems to keep getting tangled up in the long, maroon dress in which they've inexplicably mired her. I fast forward to the end, watch Lacey go over, and say goodnight. Far from not causing me physical pain, this episode has caused me to have a heart attack, three strokes, diabetes and cancer of the kneecaps, all in twenty minutes. Since this episode was such an epic fail, in my opinion, and is the only one featuring my goofy, slightly countrified Gothic Goddess, I probably won't watch another. Maybe it'll improve?

Joshi 9: Go Hamada! Go Taylor!

After a long-ish (for Impact, anyway) , hard fought match, Hamada-san and Taylor Wilde are the new TNA Knockouts tag-team champions! This match was excellent and Hamada-san's in ring skills are just as good as they were the last time I saw her on TNA TV what... six months ago? Seven? Gosh, it's been a while. I've really missed that fierce little apple cheeked Japanese queen of the ring. My only complaint tonight is that we didn't see her vicious Michinoku driver variation, the Hama-chan driver, but Taylor's German suplex always looks pretty good, and I'm glad to see new and different things happening in the Knockouts division. The only thing really missing is Daffney... I haven't seen her on Impact in several weeks! We need a tiny top hat infusion, STAT!

The Beautiful People segment tonight was good, too. Poor Lacey! She's just trying to be sweet and helpful, but forgot the important lesson that you should never, never, never get between two girls having a cat-fight over 1) a man or 2) a piece of jewelry. Considering TBP view the KO belts as big, shiny hunks of gold jewelry... well... you can see where the might lead to tragedy. I did like seeing Vel Vel run over to aid/comfort her after she got flattened, though, and am looking forward to seeing where this storyline might go in the near future.

What is a real man? 3: Things to say and/or not say about/to people on the internet

I'm going to grouch a little bit, tonight, I think. Maybe it's because I've been feeling a little sick all day, or because I've been really, really hungry, or because I lifted weights in my gym, which is basically a vinyl box, when the heat index was a little over 100 degrees... although not 113 like it was earlier, today. At any rate, I'm feeling like something of a grouch, so I'm going to grumble a bit more about the way men act towards young ladies--young wrestling workers, since that's who I follow on twitter and interact with some--on the internet.

One, ahem, gentleman on a relatively well known wrestling message board (which is usually readable, well, at least in it's WWE section... it's TNA section is awful) wrote, regarding the TNA Knockouts, "wow I can't tell these bitches apart they all look the same." Really, as the Miz would say, really? Can you really not tell them apart? If we go back a little bit in time, could you not discern ODB--a short, drunk, stocky redneck--from Amazing Kong, a gargantuan woman with dreadlocks and smooth, brown ocher skin from Alissa Flash, a small, well muscled dream girl with long, inky hair and strange eye-makeup? Can you not tell Daffney, a pale, quirky Goth tomato who screams a lot, covered in colorful tattoos, from Hamada, a thickly built, strapping Japanese woman more physically imposing than most of the X-Division? You must be blind, friend.

Or maybe I'm being unfair... I'm bringing into this women who are no longer Knockouts and who were not part of the segment that this fellow was commenting on. Maybe he really couldn't tell Sarita, a sultry Latin brunette, from Angelina love, a tall rocker chick, from Madison Rayne, a ferocious little ferret with a terrible weave, from Taylor Wilde, a large headed blond Canadian midget. Maybe the additions of Lacey von Erich and Vel Vel--who have completely different sizes, builds and bone structures--confused him, or maybe it was the mystery biker woman? Well, the biker woman's helmet and Taylor Wilde's head are of a similar size, so maybe that was it? Heh... sorry... I just cannot resist picking on Taylor; it's one of my fortes.

Anyway, the problem I see in all of this is that a young man who would say this about these young women--about any young women--is that he fails to see them as people. He only experiences these girls as props, something to stimulate his lizard hormonal centers. His gaze, to paraphrase Barbara Kruger, hits the sides of their faces and, not really seeing, doesn't perceive a person; his gaze, his male gaze (see Jaques Lacan and Laura Mulvey) and this, according to thinkers like Hannah Arendt and Martha Craven Nussbaum, is where misogyny, othering and dehumanization begin.

Another issue I'd like to bring up is what I saw on the twitter accounts belonging to Michelle McCool (or would it be Michelle Calloway now? very cool that!) and Miss Layla El (that wonderful little English muffin to all the world): "mslayel

“@McCoolMichelleL: Note to twitterers who hate....it's cool, BUT you're gonna get blocked dropping F bombs....REAL TALK:)” Seriously !!"

Okay, for one thing, to paraphrase Riley Freeman, I don't messes around with ya if ya messes around with Layla, dig? That's one of the cutest chicks in the world, and she seems sweet as she can be, like pie or honey, so how are you going to swear at her on twitter? Michelle has the freaking Undertaker to tape his fists up for her, so I don't feel compelled to say as much, but this is yet another example of people mistreating young women for no reason other than they are bullies, small men by definition, and want to feel bigger. I don't know if the problem is sociological or psycho-sexual, but it doesn't impress anybody when you insult and abuse a girl for a character that she plays... "REAL TALK!" as my dear Flawless Ones would say.

I guess what I'm getting at here, at the bottom of things, is best summed up by John Gabriel's Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory.

Anonymity yields the opportunity to mouth off without getting your face kicked out the back of your head, Kaval style, and with an audience added it can only lead to disaster. So don't be a GIF, friends and neighbors... listen to Gabriel. He's right. Well, there is a first time for everything, after all, eh?

TNA Impact 1: I love confused Lacey

Okay, so my girls the Knockouts didn't have a whole lot to do on TNA Impact, tonight, but they did their best to make an impact (haha) with what little time they had. Madison Rayne is really coming into her own as a nasty little heel, and playing Sarita as her compatriot/bodyguard might be really awesome. Sarita is tough as a nut (and cute as a button with her freckles and little upturned nose... how I love me some Sarita!) but isn't a particularly good talker, so putting her with someone who has an... overabundance of personality, I guess is a way to say it... like Madison seems to be a good idea. Velvet has amazing chemistry with Angelina Love--the amount they communicated with their eyes, alone, tonight, was incredible and their little glance at the end was so, so smoky... ho yay, as the good people at Television Without Pity would say, I guess. Lacey von Erich is growing on me each week, especially playing this role as the 'Rose' of the group, a kind-hearted innocent who just wants everybody to get along and be friends, and I really and truly do like Taylor Wilde, even if I pick on her a lot for being a blond Canadian midget and for having an Amazon wishlist on which I would not be surprised to find a personal space ship, one day. The biker thing is kind of starting to wear thin and they need to reveal who she is, soon... or maybe there should be several bikers? Not sure. I'd like a coalition of bikers, personally, made up of people who have scores of various kinds to settle with Angelina Love and/or Vel Vel. That may be too difficult to pull off, though. I'd also like to see more Rosie Lottalove and Daffney, but I'll just settle, right now, for seeing anyone who isn't a part of the Beautiful People.

Other things I've seen tonight that I've enjoyed have included 1) Angle's four suplexes on Hernandez, 2) the, er... 'incident' during Anderson and Morgan's match and 3) AJ Styles hauling a good match out of Rob Terry's big, stiff butt and no muscles pulling themselves off Rob's bones and 4) Jeff Hardy vs. Samoa Joe in a Fly Boy vs. Fat Boy brawl that took it to the time limit. Shut up, Impact Zone, that was a some good wrestling you bunch of yabbos!

Although, Impact Zone, I do love how bloodthirsty you are. WWE would pay for a crowd that ferocious, man.

Other interests 1: TNA Knockout report for Impact Wrestling, 7/8/2010

Sometimes I like to write about things outside of picking up heavy stuff... actually, I like to write about that a lot! Here's the first such entry, a little commentary on my absolute favorite wrestler's match tonight against... well, it's basically being treated like a filler match before her opponent's match at a PPV (Daffney's feud is currently happening on the web show Xplosion), but Daffney (http://twitter.com/screamqueendaff) wrestled her heart out as always and looked great, especially considering this is her return to Impact after a long, nasty injury sustained against the ring rookie Rosie Lottalove. Angelina Love (er, I don't know her twitter) looked good, too, returning after an arduous few months of injuries and visa troubles, and it's great to see the TNA Knockouts division coming back together after a few wobbly, unfocused months.

The match was short but fierce and included lots of loud chops to the chest, which left pink prints on the Scream Queen's porcelain skin, a nifty looking arm-bar (Chris Jericho would be proud) and a vicious jawbreaker to the top of the head, which left Angelina reeling for a few moments. After few minutes (too few but you can't have everything, right? and most tv matches are fairly short...) of back and forth offense between the two women, Angelina won with a lifting reverse STO which she calls the Lights Out, a move that I've loved since Chris Kanyon called it the Flatliner and Edge called it the Downward Spiral. Madison Rayne, TNA's Knockouts champion, appeared on the ramp after the match to taunt her PPV opponent, Angelina Love, and a career vs. title (with the special stipulation that if Maddie's partners, Velvet Sky or Lacey Von Eric, interfered the title would be forfeit) gimmick was added to the upcoming contest. I enjoyed the match. Watching Daffney wrestle is always a treat, and the match--although short--showcased both women's talents and furthered at least Angelina's story line. All in all a decent show.

Watch the match here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZIUidfTdNE

For more information on this match and all your women's wrestling needs, check out diva-dirt.com. For all your Daffney merchandising needs (and believe me, if you see this woman wrestle you will have them) check out goth-goddess.org and daffneyshouse.com.